Only God Knows Why

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The Story of Ben Breedlove

 

I saw this in yahoo news and caught my interest so I searched for his videos and youtube. Sadness in me burst out after I watched the videos. Then Kid Rock’s music played in my head.

 

 

I’ve been sittin’ here trying to find myself
I get behind myself I need to rewind myself
And I feel like number one yet I’m last in line
And when the walls are tumbling down I will always be around
People don’t know about the things I say and do
They don’t understand about the shit I’ve been through
It’s been so long since I’ve been home
I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone way too long
Maybe I’ve forgotten all the things I miss
Oh, somehow I know there is more to life than this
You get what you put in and people get what the deserve
Still I ain’t seen mine, no I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been walkin that thin line
So I think I’ll keep a walking with my head held high
I’ll keep moving on and only God knows why

 

I fear death. I feel life.

Been two days of depression and frustrations.

They say things happen for a reason and sometimes I think, really really hard, what is life ahead of me. I tried to play the game of life fair and square but it seems like no matter how hard I try to sail to the right direction, the wind is blowing hard on me to get off-course. And no matter how tough I tried to project myself to be, still something would attack me from inside and make me crumble.

Tears are peeking out of my eyes. Get a grip, I must not cry.

Emotional blackmail. Yeah. People close to me are very good at this. They are pros on how to hit you hard and crush your heart out.

I am not a showy person and I know I never was. Unconciously I raised myself to hide my emotions. I grew up in a world where predators prey on those who are kindhearted, generous and caring. And I don’t want to be trapped in their baits. I always tell myself I won’t be tricked. I will never take the choice they did.

“Never mind what others do; do better than yourself, beat your own record from day to day, and you are a success.” – William J. H. Boetcker

My uncle once told me, learning from your mistake is intelligent and learning from other people’s mistake is wise. So I tried to live a wiser life. I tried my best to live a rightful life and yes it is really hard especially when you want your loved ones to follow and be with you in doing the right thing. It hurts when you see them making mistakes on their own. And it hurts more when they confide and you give them advice then in the end they would commit the same mistake again.

I want to live simple life but due to responsibilities, I must take a step higher, fast. It’s not that I don’t want a better life. It’s just that I want to enjoy work and live life. Balance. I don’t want to bury my head in paperworks and missed out on life. I want to do them both. But then, you can’t have both worlds.

I am hitting 30’s in a few years, the pressure is in and it still feels like nothing has changed. Everything is still the same, where I am and the people around me. And whenever I’ve already decided to take a step further, things would happen and I would be stuck in the same spot that I am standing on. Nothing is moving.

I don’t know if it is because being mature and responsible has been imposed to me at a very young age that I feel life has been too long for me. I feel responsible for everything in which I know I shouldn’t. Even the smallest things would make me feel guilty.

Change. I’ve been waiting for that to happen. I know everything has been different from before but it still feels the same. It definitely feels the same.

I just wished that the good news that I’ve been dying to hear would come. Please come to me as soon as possible. I still have faith. I don’t want to lose hope. But sadness is eating sh*t out of me.

But I still want this entry to end with a smile. Here is a smiling face that popped in my head and warmed my heart.

🙂 They say dogs are man’s best friend. And they will love you unconditionally. I surely do believe that.

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