Usually, when “Ber” months start, I am already excited for Christmas. And when October comes, we have already set up our Christmas tree and have already decorated the house.
This year, it was different.
With the idea of moving houses again, i decided to wait for December first and see where we would be staying. I don’t like the idea of redecorating the Christmas tree, thus, we didn’t have one.
Over years, it was a sister-brother tradition to put up Christmas decors which is why it was important to us.
Having no holiday decors at all made me realize how ordinary the holiday season was. It’s as if there is no christmas at all. The holiday spirit was, gone.
Gift shopping tried to make Christmas sink into me. The crowded malls. The long queue in van terminals. The heavy traffic. The Christmas songs on the radio. The doubled number of street children that would mob you for five or ten pesos without saying thank you afterwards.
I pushed myself to prepare and be excited with it. I had my hair treated and my nails done. I did clothes shopping and bought new pairs of shoes to hoard. I went on an early Christmas date because my partner will be at the province for the holidays.
Still, it felt lacking.
Saturday before Christmas woke me up. It was my in-laws anniversary lunch and it was heart warming. To be in a party with homey feeling, it was great.
All these years, I’ve been celebrating Christmas alone with my brother. We have a big extended family but they prefer to celebrate New Year instead because the kids are in the provinces.
Christmas is for kids. I love seeing them happy during this yuletide season. I love the sparkle in their eyes when they receive gifts. That is why every year i see to it that i have gifts for my nephews and nieces. It has been a give back tradition for me to say thanks for the blessings i got for the whole year.
It was a blessed year all in all. The year had a very challenging start and continued until third quarter. I found some breathing time but was just enough to make me remember, “Hey, human! Breathe!”.
Maybe the biggest blessing was that “thing” that i’ve been working for so hard is almost done. I really hope i could have it already early next year. *fingers-crossed*
Other than that, I’m thankful for my brother and partner who never left my side no matter how hard life was and how moody i become sometimes. I am grateful for my beloved friends who always keep in touch even if I am always MIA. Cheers to the wonderful job that I enjoy and love. Thank you also to my colleagues who help me when i needed them or when i just need someone to talk to. To my two wonderful babies, Caspian and Sascha for making our everyday colorful.
To my ipod touch and desktop whom i spend most of my waking time with, may we enjoy more Holidays together.
I hope everyone will still try to look on the brighter side no matter how hard the year has been due to personal circumstances, nature’s fury and financial challenges.
I’ll try to enjoy today with the traditional MMFF movie watching with my brother. Battle gear on. Need to get ready to be squeezed by a crowd of ants, i mean movie goers.
Merry Christmas everyone! ;)
I never thought I would own 2 beautiful and loving dogs. They are really great companions and they do taught me to be better in lots of things.
“Is that a voice?”
The Black Canary is here :)
As early as October, i’m going to write you my wishlist already :)
I think it is already late because i should have started last September so you can get yourself prepared.
The first on my list:
I’ve always wanted an instant camera. I remember when i was a kid, i adore any polaroid picture that i see. They look great for me. I imagine having a wall with polaroid pictures of my own adventures and memories. I love the thought of looking at the back of the photo to check the name, date or location of where that souvenir was taken.
PS. Santa, i think you should be ready. I think i’ll have a long list ;)
I was only going to post a random quote on my facebook status but then, these just came up my head.
* * *
You give your heart to someone hoping that that person will take good care of it.
No matter how well you know that person, he will still have secrets of his own. You cannot see a person’s sides all at the same time. Even in the perception of our eyesight, there will always be a blind spot.
You will just blindly trust him not crush your heart. Even if you said that you will save some love to yourself, you are already giving him everything. You cannot hand someone half of something cause it won’t work.
You give your all with eyes close, taking a frightening step at a time. That is why when you fall, you fall hard and it hurts so bad.
The trust you had given him is now broken.
And there is no turning back.
It’s either you let go or move forward and ignore the hurt.
Sometimes it is better to hold on when there is a persistence to correct the mistake.
But sometimes, letting go is better because in the very first place, why would you hurt that person you love?
Don’t do something stupid that would make you lose that very precious someone in your life.
Trust is not something everyone deserves to have or something that you just hand over to anybody.
It is earned and should be cherished once someone gives it to you.
* * *
If you are doing the right thing, you don’t owe anyone an explanation.
Other people can gossip false accusations about you, for as long as you know the truth, who the hell cares about what they say.
Some will try to meddle and say that they will try to mediate and help, but in reality, they have already judged you and found you guilty of something they don’t have any true knowledge of the truth.
People who truly cares about you won’t put you under fire over frivolous things.
If you always end up fighting with someone, there will come a day that you’ll get tired of never ending battle. An argument where you can never win, and will never ever win no matter how much you try to explain your side.
Hands up. You’ve just had enough of the bickering.
Lots of it.
It’s as if you the only thing you need is to set an audio in repeat. It’s the same argument over and over and over again.
The same set of lines that you hear whenever an old subject is opened and you try to explain the reason why they are wrong.
They just won’t back down without the most ridiculous excuse they can come up with.
Little things that some people try to exaggerate causing fights.
Even if it is out of the subject, it always become the topic.
The emotional blackmail that someone throws at you.
It’s a guilt trip that drives many people insane and many relationships broken.
And when I said relationships, it’s not just the one a couple have but what you have with your family and friends.
Hurt, Strength and Patience.
You will never know how strong you are unless you have suffered so much pain and still be standing on your feet.
That painful feeling in your chest when you are trying to show you are not affected but deep inside you are pounded into million pieces while trying to swallow hurtful words and false accusations.
At the end you just continue what you are doing as if nothing happened.
Congratulations, you have one hell of patience and strength. A very rare gem of its kind.
The thing you do when you have finally calmed down and try to communicate with you inner peace.
Trying to weigh your options for the next things that you have to do.
Trying to contemplate for the right actions to face this battle and probably, to end this feud once and for all.
At the end of the day, who doesn’t want to have one.
I want to travel back in time and give myself a pat on the back and tell the old me that everything will be alright. That all the bitterness in her heart will be gone and that the pain is all worth it, if not because of those tears she cried she won’t experience the happiness her future self is so grateful for. And if not because of the hurdles, she won’t learn how to stand up and walk again. That she don’t need to shut the world out of her life.
I want to tell her how lucky she is to meet the people who will eventually be her friends for life. Who will never turn their back on her despite the fact that she can’t always be physically with them. That in their presence in her Facebook inbox, there is no distance between them. That there are cool stickers to share her thoughts and that she can still have their shoulders to cry on. That she is never alone and never will be.
I want to tell her that there are so many inspiring stories that she’ll learn along the way. That she too will try to inspire others. That no matter how many times she tried to give up on some people, still her stubborn self will still try to help them out. That it is an awesome feeling to see the people she have helped grow and flourish and be better.
I want to tell her that someday in her future, she’ll meet someone who is crazy enough to accept her for who she is. Someone who’ll try to understand her mad world and won’t judge her crazy antics. That someone very sweet is there for her to cheer her up and is willing to draw a smile on her face. Who is willing to stay by her side silently while she stare blankly in the sky. Someone that will guide her to live life and experience the world and appreciate all beautiful things around her. Someone who will make her realize how blessed she is with her life. Someone whose hands perfectly fits hers.
I want to tell her that her world will be filled with love from those who treasure her in their hearts.
And yes, she will be treasured. She will be loved. She will be accepted.
So i’ll hug her tight and wipe those tears and whisper to her, “Stay strong, self. Everything will be alright.”
Just looking back “I Wear Black” 2002
This year i plan to travel to as many places as possible. Time and budget are the major challenges for me so it’s been hard to plan especially when you have no idea where you are heading.
Luckily i bumped into Lakbayan which is a helpful lists of places in the country.
Hopefully i could explore more places this year.